Breaking Free from the "Good Girl" Script
Do you ever find yourself “dimming your light” to avoid conflict? Putting others' needs before your own? Silencing your voice for fear of being seen as "difficult"? If so, you might be grappling with the subtle but powerful force of "good girl" conditioning.
Coined by Kasia Urbaniak, a leading voice in women's empowerment, good girl conditioning refers to the societal messages that pressure women to conform to a narrow ideal: quiet, agreeable, and people-pleasing. As Urbaniak writes in her book Unbound: A Woman's Guide to Power, "Good girls are expected to be gracious, accommodating, and selfless, suppressing their authentic desires and needs in favor of external validation."
While some could argue that this conditioning isn't malicious, its effects can be far-reaching. Here's how good girl conditioning can affect our perceptions:
Fear of Conflict: Good girls are often conditioned to shy away from conflict, even when their needs are unmet. This fear of confrontation can lead to passive-aggressive behavior or simply bottling up our frustrations, ultimately harming both our relationships and our well-being.
Diminished Self-Worth: Constantly seeking validation from others erodes our sense of self-worth. We learn to believe that our value is conditional, based on external approval rather than our inherent talents and capabilities.
Internalized Patriarchy: By prioritizing the needs of others, we unintentionally reinforce the idea that women are nurturers and men are leaders. This internalized patriarchy limits our ability to claim our own space and advocate for ourselves.
Urbaniak offers a powerful antidote to combat this conditioning: "Embracing our inner 'wild woman,' the part of us that is bold, assertive, and unapologetically ambitious." Here are a few steps you can take to start writing a new internal script for yourself:
Challenge the Narrative: Become aware of the "good girl" messages you've internalized. Ask yourself: Whose expectations am I trying to meet? Are they aligned with my own dreams and desires?
Connect to Your Desires: What do you want for yourself? What kind of life do you desire? What makes you feel alive? When you can deeply connect to these answers, you are beginning to activate the power of the erotic.
Develop Your Voice: Now that you know what you want, it’s time to practice expressing your needs and desires assertively, even when it feels awkward. Remember, assertiveness is not aggression – it's about speaking your truth, telling the world what you desire with clarity and confidence.
Set Boundaries: Learning to say "no" is a crucial skill for anyone seeking to shed the people-pleasing tendencies that are a result of good girl conditioning. Discern what drains your energy and what truly serves you, and set boundaries accordingly. Boundaries can help us feel safe when we’re in uncomfortable situations.
Dream Big(ger): Don't shy away from your goals no matter how big they may feel. Own your ambition and pursue your desires with zeal and passion. When the erotic is the foundation of our goals and dreams we can live a life we never imagined.
You will find that these old patterns can and will hold us back from reaching our full potential, both personally and professionally. It takes courage and self-compassion to overcome what has been ingrained in our psyches. But as you learn to shed these limiting beliefs and embrace your authentic power, you'll discover a wellspring of confidence and a life lived on your own terms. Remember, as Urbaniak reminds us, "The world needs your power, your voice, and your unique contribution. Don't hold back."
